Going Down

Lucky you – if you’ve been reading my blog, you’ve had the privilege of taking the rollercoaster ride that is my thoughts for the past several months.  Frightening, isn’t it?  I like to think that I’m fairly normal - that the twists and turns, and ups and downs, and forward and backward movements of my thoughts are a fairly common experience.  But since I’ve never lived in somebody else’s head 24/7 (or at least not in this lifetime), I’m really not sure.   Maybe I’m completely abnormal.  Who knows?  In any event, it’s my goal in this blog to be as authentic as I can.  So buckle your seatbelt.  It could be a bumpy ride.

I’ve been feeling pretty “blah” lately.  Overwhelmed.  Overcommitted.   Uninspired.  Actually “blah” is an understatement.  I feel like I’ve entered into one of those mysterious, wonderful periods of “divine discontent.”   This is the term I like to use to help me trust that whatever seemingly negative place I find myself in is part of my spiritual growth and not to be feared.  Nothing feels right.  I can’t seem to get motivated.  I’m exhausted.  I’m irritable.  I’m unhappy with my life.  I just feel generally yucky.

It’s not unusual for me to go through a day or two or even a week in this kind of funk.  But this particular funk is lasting a bit longer.  And try as I may, none of my normal tricks for distracting myself are working.  I can’t smile myself out of it.  I can’t affirm myself out of it.  I can’t find a motivational video or speech to lift me out of it.  And my usual gimmick of trying to be as busy as possible is only making things worse.  So here I am – stuck feeling “funk”y and not liking it one bit.

The only thing I’ve found that seems to help me feel better is mindfulness – being 100% present to whatever is happening at any given moment of any given day.  I’ve found that as long as I’m mindful, I’m not suffering.

I suck at mindfulness.   But . . . if it’s the only thing that makes me feel better, I have incentive to practice.  So I’m working on it.  A combination of mindfulness and gratitude.  Being mindful has the potential to open me up to all kinds of feelings I’d rather not face.   For now, I’m willing to take that risk to get some relief.  Feeling gratitude for the things I’m truly grateful for – not for the things I think I should be grateful for – seems to help, too. 

It’s not a very pretty picture, but this is where I am in my spiritual practice.

~REBECCA