Loving and Lovable

I’m sure it’s no coincidence that this is coming to the surface while I am in the process of facilitating a book discussion course on Myrtle Fillmore’s Healing Letters.  This morning I woke up feeling anxious, as I sometimes do.  In searching my mind for the source of my discomfort, I determined that I was anxious because I hadn’t completed an assignment on time for a class I am taking through Unity Worldwide Spiritual Institute.  In searching further, I concluded that it wasn’t as much the fact that the assignment was late that was causing me anxiety as it was that this particular instructor might be upset with me for not handing it in on time.  Every once in a while I become aware of the inordinate amount of time and energy I expend on a daily basis worrying that somebody might be upset with me.

I’m past the point of delving deep into my childhood memory banks to figure out what might have happened to me to make me behave this way.  I have done that work, and my conclusion is that it’s just as much my own nature as it is anything that my parents might have said or done to make me believe that I am only worthy of love if I do things perfectly.  I have three children, and only one of them shares this need-to-please character trait of mine.  Maybe I passed it on to him energetically, as perhaps my father passed it on to me.  Or maybe we all just came into the world with that inclination.  I think I have decided that ceaselessly analyzing this kind of thing gets me nowhere.

What I do know is that my worrying that people will be upset with me stems from a deep feeling of unworthiness, a feeling that I am somehow inherently unlovable.  The affirmation “I am a loving and lovable Child of God” seems to neutralize this error thinking.  So I use that affirmation to remind me of what’s true.  My feeling of unworthiness seems to be seated in my solar plexus.   I feel nauseous when I become aware of it.  So I breathe into that part of my body to help get the “stuck” energy moving again.

So what now?  I’m not sure there’s anything earth-shattering for me to do.  I’m just grateful for the awareness that this script is still playing in my background.  Every once in a while it comes to the surface for me to look at.  And when it does, I get an opportunity to adjust course a little.  Each time it rises into the light of day and is bathed in my awareness and attention, it loses a little of its power before it dives back down into my subconscious.  Maybe I’ll always have this script playing subtly in my background.  Who knows? But it doesn’t have to keep me from doing what’s mine to do.  Awareness is everything.  Spiritual principle is empowering.  I am a loving and lovable Child of God. 

And so are you.

~REBECCA