Last Thursday when I left to go home from work, my car
wouldn’t start. I turned the key a few
times, and there was no sound at all, except for the quick release of air or
pressure or something I couldn’t put my finger on. It was 3:00.
I instantly felt defeated.
I was looking forward to taking some time to get centered before my evening class. Plus, I had to pick my daughter up from Girl Scouts at 4:00. I didn’t feel like waiting around for a tow
truck or talking with my mechanic. It
just wasn’t in my plans for the day. Stupid
car.
Every bone in my body wanted to just abandon the car in the parking
lot and hitch a ride home, so as not to have to deal with this inconvenience in
the moment. Ultimately, though, I
decided that the responsible thing to do was to call for a tow truck, call a
nearby relative who might be able to drive me home, call the Girl Scout leader, call my mechanic, and call my husband to be
sure I would have access to our second vehicle. I kept calm and, step-by-step, began making all of the appropriate
contacts.
Sometime in the midst of all my calling and text-messaging
back in forth with relatives and service providers, a brief thought flashed
through my mind. “Is the car definitely in
PARK mode?” I raced outside and hopped
into the driver’s seat. Sure enough the gear
shift was precariously positioned between PARK and REVERSE – not fully
engaged! I popped it into PARK, and the car
started right up. Hooray! The day was saved!
I called to cancel the tow truck and began calling and
texting to let my cousin, my husband, my mechanic, the troop leader know that
everything was fine – the car had started – life was back to normal. As I was marveling at how smoothly this whole
“issue” had been resolved, I noticed a single word punctuating each and every
one of my positive thoughts.
“Wow, I can’t believe how easy it was to cancel the tow
truck” . . . IDIOT . . . “I’m glad to have had the chance to connect with my
cousin” . . . IDIOT . . . “Now the rest of my day can go as planned” . . . IDIOT . . .
I decided to take a closer look.
I recognized that I was so embarrassed at having made the
mistake of not checking to see that the gear shift was properly engaged that my
Ego had unleashed a barrage of destructive self-talk. Thankfully, I also recognized that this type
of harsh judgment could only be coming from that small, fearful part of me that
is my Ego. I decided to try out some
techniques I’ve learned over the years:
I started by playing the curious observer – “Hmmm, that’s
interesting . . . I am repeatedly calling myself a terrible name . . . I wonder
where that voice is coming from . . .”
Then I moved to righteous indignation – “Shut up, Ego - I don’t have to listen to you!”
Finally, I tried a more formal denial and affirmation – “Thank
you for sharing, Ego, but that is not the truth of who I am. I am a child of God, brilliant and whole.” For
me, this technique was the key to releasing my harsh judgment of myself.
It’s amazing how observing and shifting our thoughts can
create such a vast shift in our experience of reality and ourselves. I’m getting better at paying attention to how
my Ego shows up and attempts to derail me.
Denials and affirmations have become trusty tools in my spiritual
toolbox. If I can stay connected to the
truth of who I am, I can more consistently meet life as my divine self. And when I'm living and moving from that divine center, I can accomplish anything I set my mind to - even
if I do occasionally forget to put the car in PARK.
~REBECCA
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