Getting Back on my Path

My last two and a half months have been a whirlwind - traveling to nice places; having visits from family; going to the Unity Eastern Region Conference - all good stuff.

But ... when I looked at my calendar for those months, I didn't have very many free, totally unplanned days. In fact in September I only had three .

I know that isn't enough now - I knew then too but couldn't seem to get control of it. In October I experienced almost the same few days. And November has joined in with very few days too.

When I returned from visiting my 90-year-old mom on November 16, I was happy to have been with her for eight days. I also would have rejoiced (if I wasn't so tired) - I won't travel again for three months.

Last week I was catching up with sleep and not doing much of anything else. Every time I noticed one of my lists, I looked the other way.

I needed R&R. I gave myself permission to read a novel or two, to play games on my cell phone, to walk the dogs, to take naps a couple of the days. It was good.

This week I woke up with some energy - I felt back to my normal self. I noticed the lists and began to check off some items.

Looking back over those 2-1/2 months, I realized that I had taken a detour from my spiritual path. I haven't written anything here in weeks. Although I read the Daily Word every morning and wrote about my day every night, it didn't get through. I became grouchy about almost everything. I forgot about love and wisdom.

Now I'm getting back on my path slowly but surely. That feels good too. I don't know how to prevent the detours that are sure to come again, so for right now I'm staying present and using this "fill-in-the-blank" affirmation:

Forgiveness comes from within,

I have the power to create a sense of forgiveness in my life.

I alternate between forgiveness, love, wisdom and joy. Today I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving Dinner with my stepson, daughter-in-law and grandchildren tomorrow.

~ JEAN

Shame

I’ve noticed that some of my deepest spiritual work happens while I am sleeping or attempting to sleep.  It’s like Spirit knows when my defenses are down . . . .   This afternoon, I was sleeping to recover from an overnight shift at my second job.  I had just woken up briefly to get a drink of water and was settling back down in hopes of getting a couple more hours of shut-eye.  My mind wasn’t particularly quiet – I was worrying about some things that had happened earlier in the day - so I started to practice a form of meditation which I learned in a class I took recently.  I began to repeat the word “flow” in my mind as a mantra because I’ve noticed that focusing on this word usually helps me to move into a feeling of alignment with Spirit.  

Well, rather than drifting peacefully into that blissful state of non-awareness that usually comes from a good meditation, as I was repeating my mantra, instead of becoming more relaxed and UNaware, I started to become PAINFULLY aware of a deep sense of shame welling up from within.  As I lay in my bed, I had the sensation of being gradually overtaken by an awful feeling of unworthiness that seemed to stretch from my head to my toes and reached to my very core of my being.  I felt a gnawing in my stomach and a dull ache throughout my entire body.  And the discomfort was intensifying.  This was a completely unexpected turn of events, but I was acutely aware – as I lay there writhing in my own skin – that it was not a bad thing.  It was my Higher Self attempting to get my attention.

If you’ve been reading my blog posts, you know that I’ve been on a quest to remove the blocks and barriers that keep me from living in a full awareness of the presence of God.   Well this sense of shame that I’ve been secretly harboring almost my whole life certainly qualifies as a barrier.  As long as I am carrying around this deep feeling of “I am not good enough – I am sorry – I am a mistake,”  I can’t possibly experience the unlimited flow of Spirit.  The two things don’t match up – I am unworthy AND a beloved child of God?  It doesn’t jive.  In order to be fully in the flow of Spirit, I have to find a way to let go of my feelings of shame and unworthiness.

I don’t believe there is a magic bullet for conquering shame.  I’ve done plenty of work on identifying where this feeling of shame comes from and how it became so deeply rooted in my personality.  I’ve analyzed and re-analyzed.  I’ve reasoned and talked it to death.  I’m fairly confident that my usual, logical tactics will not be effective in this arena.  What I know for certain, though, is that simply allowing these feelings of shame and unworthiness to rise to the surface can be a powerful step toward healing.  I believe this is why I needed to have this experience while I was half-asleep.   During my waking hours, I am a MASTER at “stuffing” unpleasant feelings –so much so that I am not even aware that they exist.  Spirit knew that my defenses would have to be down in order to bring these feelings to light. 

The yucky feeling of shame is still with me.  I still feel that gnawing in the pit of my stomach and the tightening in my throat.  But rather than stuffing it back down, I’m sitting with it and noticing the sensations.  I’m practicing non-resistance and allowing it just to be.  Dr Brene Brown says, “Shame is the swampland of the soul.  You don’t have to live there.  Just put on some galoshes and walk through and have a look around.”  It may take a thousand times of noticing my feelings of shame and sitting with them and allowing them to be.  Someday, by the grace of God, maybe these feelings will disappear.  Regardless, I believe that awareness is the key to lessening their grip on me so that I can move more fully into an awareness of the presence of the Divine.  

~REBECCA