Going Down

Lucky you – if you’ve been reading my blog, you’ve had the privilege of taking the rollercoaster ride that is my thoughts for the past several months.  Frightening, isn’t it?  I like to think that I’m fairly normal - that the twists and turns, and ups and downs, and forward and backward movements of my thoughts are a fairly common experience.  But since I’ve never lived in somebody else’s head 24/7 (or at least not in this lifetime), I’m really not sure.   Maybe I’m completely abnormal.  Who knows?  In any event, it’s my goal in this blog to be as authentic as I can.  So buckle your seatbelt.  It could be a bumpy ride.

I’ve been feeling pretty “blah” lately.  Overwhelmed.  Overcommitted.   Uninspired.  Actually “blah” is an understatement.  I feel like I’ve entered into one of those mysterious, wonderful periods of “divine discontent.”   This is the term I like to use to help me trust that whatever seemingly negative place I find myself in is part of my spiritual growth and not to be feared.  Nothing feels right.  I can’t seem to get motivated.  I’m exhausted.  I’m irritable.  I’m unhappy with my life.  I just feel generally yucky.

It’s not unusual for me to go through a day or two or even a week in this kind of funk.  But this particular funk is lasting a bit longer.  And try as I may, none of my normal tricks for distracting myself are working.  I can’t smile myself out of it.  I can’t affirm myself out of it.  I can’t find a motivational video or speech to lift me out of it.  And my usual gimmick of trying to be as busy as possible is only making things worse.  So here I am – stuck feeling “funk”y and not liking it one bit.

The only thing I’ve found that seems to help me feel better is mindfulness – being 100% present to whatever is happening at any given moment of any given day.  I’ve found that as long as I’m mindful, I’m not suffering.

I suck at mindfulness.   But . . . if it’s the only thing that makes me feel better, I have incentive to practice.  So I’m working on it.  A combination of mindfulness and gratitude.  Being mindful has the potential to open me up to all kinds of feelings I’d rather not face.   For now, I’m willing to take that risk to get some relief.  Feeling gratitude for the things I’m truly grateful for – not for the things I think I should be grateful for – seems to help, too. 

It’s not a very pretty picture, but this is where I am in my spiritual practice.

~REBECCA

Me and My Shadow

I’m learning a new strategy for dealing with insecurity.  I discovered it in a FABULOUS book called The Tools, by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels.  The aim of this practice is to overcome insecurity and open the way to authentic self-expression.  When we are connected to “The Force of Self-Expression” (as the authors call it), we speak from our deepest, inner selves.  Our inner selves have their own authority, which is not dependent on the approval of others. But as we grow into adults, we begin to turn away from our inner selves, and we increasingly look to the outside world for validation and approval. 

The key to using this particular tool, which the authors call “Inner Authority,” is being able to identify and form a visual image of your Shadow self.  Your Shadow self is everything you don’t want to be, but fear you are.  It’s the part of yourself that you hide from the world.  It’s similar to your physical shadow because it follows you wherever you go. Psychiatrist Carl Jung was apparently the first to declare that everyone has a Shadow self, no matter how talented, accomplished, or beautiful they might be.  

My Shadow is easy for me to identify.  It’s an image of myself at somewhere between 6 and 8 years old.  My hair is long and disheveled.  I look sad.  I feel unloved and unlovable and completely alone.  I often refer to this as my ragamuffin self, and I’m sure I’ve spent hours and hours and days and days of unconscious energy throughout my life trying to distance myself from this part of me.  

The Inner Authority tool is meant to be used any time you experience performance anxiety – in social situations, during confrontations, when speaking in public, or whenever else you might feel insecure about expressing yourself.  For me, this is basically all the time.  It’s not a stretch for me to say that I even question myself about something as simple as how I fold the laundry.  Imagine my anxiety in social gatherings!  I usually begin to plan my escape long before I’ve even gotten in the door.  

So – here’s how you use the Inner Authority tool in one of these situations:  Imagine you see your Shadow self, standing off to one side, facing you.   Ignore your real audience completely and focus all of your attention on your Shadow.  Generate the feeling of an unbreakable bond between the two of you, yourself and your Shadow.  As a unit, you are fearless.  Once you’ve established this bond, turn confidently along with your Shadow toward your audience and silently command them to listen.  Feel the inner authority that comes when you and your Shadow speak with one voice.  

If you are like me, you are probably thinking that this technique sounds too simplistic and couldn’t possibly work.  But, trust me, I’ve been practicing this for several days now and I’m absolutely amazed at the results.  I guess it makes sense that I need to bring all of myself, including my Shadow, to each interaction in order to meet the encounter with an inner authority.  So I’ve been dragging my ragamuffin self around with me this past week, and I’m actually starting to develop a fondness for her.  I feel more confident when she’s with me. 

I think that this special book, The Tools, came to me at this time to help me on my quest to allow myself to be vulnerable and to connect more authentically with others.    The Inner Authority tool is just one of the very helpful techniques in the book.  I highly recommend it if you’re looking for some new strategies for self-empowerment.  

 Still learning, still growing, still trying to find my way.  That’s where I am in my practice.

~REBECCA

Wait for the Lord

I've been writing about clearing time and space in my schedule. It made me wonder - when did I get so busy? Here’s how I think it happened: I said one "yes" at a time. As my commitments accumulated, I started to group commitments, filling days with my “to do” obligations.

I planned and looked forward to having one day each week on the calendar with nothing written on it. If anyone, including someone I love, suggested we do something on that day, I would resent it. I had purposely kept that day clear so I didn't have to do anything on that day with anyone. I complained that I was too busy and yet I was the one scheduling my own busyness.

I got to thinking - did I fear a totally free day? Was I worried – wondering what would I do all day? Spend it playing a game on my phone - which I can do for hours? What a colossal waste of time!

Emilie Cady wrote in Lessons in Truth about this: “Every man must take time daily for quiet and meditation. You may be so busy with the doing … that you find no time to go apart. Watch carefully, and you will find that there are some things, even in the active unselfish doing, that would better be left undone than that you should neglect regular meditation….gather yourself together and do not waste a moment idly diffusing and dissipating yourself…”

So I got that I needed to clear time and space. What I didn't know was what I was clearing time and space for - though I knew it wasn’t for playing games! I was trusting that Spirit would let me know at the right time.

The Bible says: Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Then I got the wisdom from Holy Spirit: I am clearing time and space in my life, not to refill it but to allow time and space to pray and meditate, to write, to hike and bike for my health and to spend time with my loved ones. And I will also get the wisdom to know how to balance my time among all these activities that I compromised for other less meaningful pursuits.

How great is it that three powers – faith (trust), strength (courage) and wisdom – came together in my life at this moment.

~ JEAN

Resistance

I’ve been having all kinds of tummy trouble recently.  Digestive issues ranging from terrible acid reflux to abdominal pain which led to an emergency room visit two weeks ago.  My stomach is absolutely rebelling against something.  Emotional or physical?  I’m not 100% sure.  My family doctor tells me I will certainly have to have my gallbladder removed eventually, and better to do it sooner than later.  My gastroenterologist recommends taking Prilosec to reduce the amount of acid in my stomach.  I’ve been so uncomfortable for so long, and I’m certainly not opposed to traditional medicine, but deep down I know that these treatments won’t get to the root of the problem so I’ve chosen to do some of my own detective work to uncover what has been “upsetting” me.  

Starting with the physical, I’ve been doing research about acid reflux and gallbladder issues.  I have a great book called “Prescription for Nutritional Healing” which offers natural remedies and dietary advice for all kinds of health challenges.  I’ve started to implement some of the suggestions in the book, and I’ve noticed my symptoms beginning to lessen.  Both acid reflux and gallbladder issues are potentially serious conditions, so I am prepared to return to my doctor at any time, if necessary.  

Equally important has been my attention to my emotional health.  Until I went to the emergency room, I wasn’t aware of how much stress and anxiety I was feeling.  Or, rather, not feeling - I am a master at repressing.  Since then, I’ve tried to pay careful attention to my moment-to-moment emotional state.

So far, two patterns have emerged. (1) I’m great at turning even the most enjoyable activity into a chore, and (2) I’m all about resistance.

In all of my ruminating about what’s upsetting me, I’ve realized that I don’t leave much time for fun in my schedule.  So I took a quiz (of course) to see what kinds of hobbies would be appropriate for me, given my personality.  The quiz suggested things like gardening, crocheting, word puzzles, painting, yoga.  All things I do already – EXCEPT I do them like I do everything else, like my life depends on it.  So instead of being enjoyable, they just become one more obligation.  Aha!

Yesterday morning, a great visual popped into my head.  It was an image of me, gripping tightly onto a thick rope, heels planted firmly in the ground, being dragged along in the dust.   In that instant I became aware that this is the way I’ve been approaching life.  Resisting everything – from the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I lay my head on the pillow at night.   Being dragged through my days - day after day.  This kind of resistance leads to absolute exhaustion, which is exactly what I’m experiencing lately.  Aha!

Sometimes spiritual growth is all unicorns and rainbows, and sometimes it’s a messy, uphill climb.  Right now I’m climbing.  Thankfully I have lots of spiritual tools in my toolbox to help me to reach the next summit.  

~REBECCA