Resistance

I’ve been having all kinds of tummy trouble recently.  Digestive issues ranging from terrible acid reflux to abdominal pain which led to an emergency room visit two weeks ago.  My stomach is absolutely rebelling against something.  Emotional or physical?  I’m not 100% sure.  My family doctor tells me I will certainly have to have my gallbladder removed eventually, and better to do it sooner than later.  My gastroenterologist recommends taking Prilosec to reduce the amount of acid in my stomach.  I’ve been so uncomfortable for so long, and I’m certainly not opposed to traditional medicine, but deep down I know that these treatments won’t get to the root of the problem so I’ve chosen to do some of my own detective work to uncover what has been “upsetting” me.  

Starting with the physical, I’ve been doing research about acid reflux and gallbladder issues.  I have a great book called “Prescription for Nutritional Healing” which offers natural remedies and dietary advice for all kinds of health challenges.  I’ve started to implement some of the suggestions in the book, and I’ve noticed my symptoms beginning to lessen.  Both acid reflux and gallbladder issues are potentially serious conditions, so I am prepared to return to my doctor at any time, if necessary.  

Equally important has been my attention to my emotional health.  Until I went to the emergency room, I wasn’t aware of how much stress and anxiety I was feeling.  Or, rather, not feeling - I am a master at repressing.  Since then, I’ve tried to pay careful attention to my moment-to-moment emotional state.

So far, two patterns have emerged. (1) I’m great at turning even the most enjoyable activity into a chore, and (2) I’m all about resistance.

In all of my ruminating about what’s upsetting me, I’ve realized that I don’t leave much time for fun in my schedule.  So I took a quiz (of course) to see what kinds of hobbies would be appropriate for me, given my personality.  The quiz suggested things like gardening, crocheting, word puzzles, painting, yoga.  All things I do already – EXCEPT I do them like I do everything else, like my life depends on it.  So instead of being enjoyable, they just become one more obligation.  Aha!

Yesterday morning, a great visual popped into my head.  It was an image of me, gripping tightly onto a thick rope, heels planted firmly in the ground, being dragged along in the dust.   In that instant I became aware that this is the way I’ve been approaching life.  Resisting everything – from the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I lay my head on the pillow at night.   Being dragged through my days - day after day.  This kind of resistance leads to absolute exhaustion, which is exactly what I’m experiencing lately.  Aha!

Sometimes spiritual growth is all unicorns and rainbows, and sometimes it’s a messy, uphill climb.  Right now I’m climbing.  Thankfully I have lots of spiritual tools in my toolbox to help me to reach the next summit.  

~REBECCA