Shame

I’ve noticed that some of my deepest spiritual work happens while I am sleeping or attempting to sleep.  It’s like Spirit knows when my defenses are down . . . .   This afternoon, I was sleeping to recover from an overnight shift at my second job.  I had just woken up briefly to get a drink of water and was settling back down in hopes of getting a couple more hours of shut-eye.  My mind wasn’t particularly quiet – I was worrying about some things that had happened earlier in the day - so I started to practice a form of meditation which I learned in a class I took recently.  I began to repeat the word “flow” in my mind as a mantra because I’ve noticed that focusing on this word usually helps me to move into a feeling of alignment with Spirit.  

Well, rather than drifting peacefully into that blissful state of non-awareness that usually comes from a good meditation, as I was repeating my mantra, instead of becoming more relaxed and UNaware, I started to become PAINFULLY aware of a deep sense of shame welling up from within.  As I lay in my bed, I had the sensation of being gradually overtaken by an awful feeling of unworthiness that seemed to stretch from my head to my toes and reached to my very core of my being.  I felt a gnawing in my stomach and a dull ache throughout my entire body.  And the discomfort was intensifying.  This was a completely unexpected turn of events, but I was acutely aware – as I lay there writhing in my own skin – that it was not a bad thing.  It was my Higher Self attempting to get my attention.

If you’ve been reading my blog posts, you know that I’ve been on a quest to remove the blocks and barriers that keep me from living in a full awareness of the presence of God.   Well this sense of shame that I’ve been secretly harboring almost my whole life certainly qualifies as a barrier.  As long as I am carrying around this deep feeling of “I am not good enough – I am sorry – I am a mistake,”  I can’t possibly experience the unlimited flow of Spirit.  The two things don’t match up – I am unworthy AND a beloved child of God?  It doesn’t jive.  In order to be fully in the flow of Spirit, I have to find a way to let go of my feelings of shame and unworthiness.

I don’t believe there is a magic bullet for conquering shame.  I’ve done plenty of work on identifying where this feeling of shame comes from and how it became so deeply rooted in my personality.  I’ve analyzed and re-analyzed.  I’ve reasoned and talked it to death.  I’m fairly confident that my usual, logical tactics will not be effective in this arena.  What I know for certain, though, is that simply allowing these feelings of shame and unworthiness to rise to the surface can be a powerful step toward healing.  I believe this is why I needed to have this experience while I was half-asleep.   During my waking hours, I am a MASTER at “stuffing” unpleasant feelings –so much so that I am not even aware that they exist.  Spirit knew that my defenses would have to be down in order to bring these feelings to light. 

The yucky feeling of shame is still with me.  I still feel that gnawing in the pit of my stomach and the tightening in my throat.  But rather than stuffing it back down, I’m sitting with it and noticing the sensations.  I’m practicing non-resistance and allowing it just to be.  Dr Brene Brown says, “Shame is the swampland of the soul.  You don’t have to live there.  Just put on some galoshes and walk through and have a look around.”  It may take a thousand times of noticing my feelings of shame and sitting with them and allowing them to be.  Someday, by the grace of God, maybe these feelings will disappear.  Regardless, I believe that awareness is the key to lessening their grip on me so that I can move more fully into an awareness of the presence of the Divine.  

~REBECCA